free joke here ;p

just open your fucking mouth ;p

so a man hires a hitman to kill his wife who is cheating…

So a man hires a hitman to kill his cheating wife and the man she’s cheating with. The Hitman charges 10,000 per bullet. The man asks the Hitman to blow off the woman’s head, and the guy’s dick. The Hitman says ok, and they go up on the roof of the building adjacent to the hotel the wife is in. The Hitman is looking down his scope, but not firing. After a minute, the man asks him why he isn’t shooting. The Hitman replies, “hold on I might be able to save you 10,000 dollars…”

46 responses to “so a man hires a hitman to kill his wife who is cheating…”

  1. skribsbb Avatar

    First time this joke was told, it was an archer who charged by the arrow.

  2. The_Power_Of_Three Avatar

    The next week, a regular at the man’s local bar discovers *his* wife has been cheating on him too, with his next door neighbor. Since the first guy had been regaling the bar with tales of his amazing revenge all week, the man asks for the number and calls up the sniper, hoping to get the same treatment for his wife and neighbor. Confident in his skills, the sniper agrees to take on the job. The man waits back at the bar, establishing an alibi, when he gets a call from the sniper.

    The sniper explains that he has a good view of the wife’s room, but he wants to be absolutely sure he’s got the right man before he takes the shot. He asks, what “color hair does your neighbor have?” And the man tells him brown. He asks, “how tall is your neighbor?” and the man tells him about 5’10”. He asks, “Is your neighbor black or white?” and the man tells him he’s white. “And he’s been having sex with your wife for how long?” and the man tells him about six months. Finally, the man gets irritated when the sniper asks him to confirm his neighbor’s dick size.

    “Look,” he says irritably, “I don’t know how big his dick is. All these stupid questions; if you didn’t want to do the job, you should have just said so!” and hangs up angrily.

    The sniper sighed. “He should have had a little more patience. I had it narrowed down to the last three guys.”

  3. kalirion Avatar

    Jumped straight to the last sentence to check that this is, indeed, the joke I thought it was.

  4. baxtermcsnuggle Avatar

    A man is planning on hiring a hitman to murder a mark, but needs to do it on a budget. He finds one that goes by Arti, and offers to do the job for $1.

    “One dollar? Why so low?” Says the man.

    “I cut my overhead costs drastically by eliminating weapons, and using my hands to choke my marks. Then I pass along the savings to clients like you. I operate in grocery stores and farmers markets, I’ll choke the mark, and two others just to tie up loose ends. Trust me, it’s all part of my process.”

    They shook on it, and the man told Arti that the mark shops at safeway, and handed him a dollar. They agreed to never contact eachother again.
    “How will I know the job’s completed?”

    “Just read the papers, you’ll know it when you see it”

    Sure enough, the next week the man sees “Artichokes 3 for $1.00 at Safeway”

  5. Rum_N_Napalm Avatar

    If I had a dollar for everytime I see this joke on here, I’d have enough for the two bullets

  6. Dirt_E_Harry Avatar

    Why would the hit man cheat himself out of $10K?

  7. needstochill Avatar

    Every time it’s reposted, I always think it was cool of the hitman to offer a discount

  8. dunderthebarbarian Avatar

    “75!” Shouts the new guy at the annual joke tellers convention.

    “No one is laughing”, he said.

    “Yeah, its an old joke”, said the guy next to him.

  9. Lingoman5 Avatar

    Imagine getting head so good your about to blow then your dick and the head explode. You wouldn’t know what happened

  10. KnownAd7367 Avatar

    Why is the dude there with the hit man? Isn’t the whole idea is to not have anything to connect you with the crime?

  11. Any_Web_9558 Avatar

    2 bullets 1 Toby

  12. Msink Avatar

    Something tells me this joke is a repost.

  13. Michaelscot8 Avatar

    Hey #381, one of my favorites!

  14. bbeecham8710 Avatar

    Everyone likes an honest hit man

  15. ClownWorldDweller Avatar

    I was expecting “I might have to charge you double for his dick”

  16. theycallmelilsnowy Avatar

    Billy Connolly

  17. TheMonarchX Avatar

    So guys, did you know Steve Buscemi was a firefighter?!

  18. najvdv59K8KF7GL Avatar

    In an alternate universe, the Hitman waits till they finish so that he doesn’t lose $10k

  19. RouletteSensei Avatar

    It’s funny but an hitman has some honor in here, I’m pretty sure out there wouldn’t be so honest in saving bullets

  20. LegendXCarisso Avatar

    Heard it. Definitely a re-post.

  21. Evolzetjin Avatar

    I don’t get it.

    The lover goes limp ?

  22. mrhiney Avatar

    Has it been 2 weeks already?

  23. Aristotle_Ninja2 Avatar

    I don’t get it

  24. imjustme610 Avatar

    Damnit, I thought it was my turn to post this joke

  25. AugustHenceforth Avatar


  26. muchkoku Avatar

    Unexpected customer-friendly hitman.

  27. uhhhhhh_cool Avatar

    Yeah, yeah. I know it’s long, stop making fun of me.

  28. ATR2400 Avatar

    Good guy hitman looking out for his customer and trying to get them the best deal

  29. Brainsonastick Avatar

    So a man hires a hit man to kill everyone who reposts this joke. The hit man charges $10,000 per bullet and warns that with all those reposters, it’s going to be expensive. The man assures the hit man it will be worth it and that he can pay.

    The hit man comes back and says he’s owed $10,000. The man asks why so cheap when there were so many reposters. The hit man explained all the bots were run from the same server.

  30. Picklerickshaw_part2 Avatar

    Dibs on posting this next

  31. uptbbs Avatar

    > The Hitman charges 10,000 per bullet.

    Oh… that joke again.

  32. dg327 Avatar

    This joke is on here every two months. Never gets old

  33. dnick Avatar

    What’s taking you so long?

    Hey man, I’m in this for the money, and if I shoot now it’s only going to take one bullet…

  34. Ausernamenamename Avatar

    Damn you know inflation is getting bad when this joke keeps getting more expensive.

  35. thejamesasher Avatar

    kind of funny. 1000 ways to die showed a man who ordered a hit on his wife AND the man she was doing. then he ordered an escort. it was his wife.

    i cant find it on yt but you get it.

  36. Aswatthama_944 Avatar

    This is actually a repost from the same subreddit from 2019. The only difference was that story was explained in 100-150 words.

  37. rhys7wyatt Avatar

    Is it my turn to post this next?

  38. prakattackholla Avatar

    HEADSHOT LOL #nopunintended ??

  39. msnmck Avatar

    ^(and skip to the end, aaaaand yep. It’s this joke again.)

  40. Pixel22104 Avatar

    I don’t understand

  41. ManlySyrup Avatar

    Mom says it’s my turn to tell this joke

  42. soapman72 Avatar

    Wait I’m confused is it because the guy doesn’t have a dick?

  43. shrekcohen Avatar

    Is the joke about lesbians or is the guy she’s cheating with already going to shoot her after the filthy dirty sex?

  44. lapatatafredda Avatar

    It’s so nice to see jokes about violence against women.

    ETA: ope, forgot the /s

  45. scorpiolafuega Avatar

    This was great ???

  46. rozzy4191 Avatar

    find out the hitman was gay and wanting him so he had to get the wife to cheat so he can be called by the angry husband to kill her so he has space to move it and take here place what a plan

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