free joke here ;p

just open your fucking mouth ;p

An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the machine off. He read the manual, but could not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but some made the machine squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but still latched on to his penis. Panicking, the farmer called the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line.

The farmer: “Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic, but how can I take it off from the cow’s udder?”
Customer Service: “Don’t you worry, sir. The machine was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting a gallon of milk.”

25 responses to “An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.”

  1. ksandom Avatar

    And that’s why they look like raisins

  2. thegof Avatar

    Now sir, I see here you didn’t purchase the optional software feature for unlocking at lower levels. For a very reasonable additional charge, we can lower that in 20% levels. The unlock code is normally mailed to you, but we do offer, for an extra convenience fee, an over the air unlock. Can I take your order over the phone? ?

  3. peter-forward Avatar

    Customer service thinking to themselves… “Here we go again”.

  4. bleachedcoral4 Avatar

    how do i get this out of my mind

  5. ztreHdrahciR Avatar

    Well, eventually…

  6. Titan_Slayer27 Avatar

    Don’t know why but I feel the need to say “the design is very human” lol

  7. Direct_Big_5436 Avatar

    What a way to go…

  8. gthrees Avatar

    His wife came in and he said “here’s the pig I fuck when you have a headache”.
    His wife said “that’s not a pig”

  9. samtherat6 Avatar

    Just do a big piss

  10. Buddyslime Avatar

    Butter Balls.

  11. uglypaperhaver Avatar

    Customer Service finishes with, “Sir, you may not appreciate this feature *right now,* but believe me, once you’re released from the hospital you are going to have *amazing* bragging rights!

  12. G_Stenkamp72 Avatar

    A traveling salesman’s car broke down near an old farmhouse.
    Having no option he approached the house and asked if he could stay there until a tow truck could get his car in the morning.
    The friendly farmer was glad to help but since the man was a stranger, he offered the bunk in the barn.

    Having no other option the salesman agreed and as they headed to the barn the farmer said something weird. “Son, I know how it is being a young man once myself. If you should find yourself getting randy in the middle of the night, don’t use the third hole.”

    Thinking that he was just a crazy old farmer he took his bedding and said goodnight.
    Well, as the night progressed the man did in fact become horny. He just said happened to notice three holes looked up on the wall at just about the right height.
    He thought he’d give the first hole a try and to his surprise it felt pretty good.
    So naturally he tried the one next to it and it felt even better. So why not give the third one a try?
    Well the next morning the farmer found the man moaning and somewhat shriveled up.
    “What was in the third hole”? He asked.

    The farmer replied, “Well, the first hole was my daughter. The second was my wife, and the third, well that’s my milking machine and it doesn’t stop ’till it gets 10 quarts.”

  13. benritter2 Avatar

    I’m the hated milk machine. Everybody hates me now…

  14. ThePinkTeenager Avatar

    There’s a *Big Bang Theory* episode with a similar plot, except it’s a robotic arm.

  15. The-dude-in-the-bush Avatar

    This feels more like a short horror story rather than a joke

  16. Hige_Kuma Avatar

    Stolen from senator tinkerbell

  17. CoolGuy00178388587 Avatar

    done the math (with the avere he volume of semen produced per ejaculation), he should come about 1802 times.
    As it says that he’s old I suppose that it will take him about 20 hours between an erection and another.
    Given that we we know that he’s going to be blocked in the milking machine for 2 years and a half.

    tl;dr: the farmer will spam-cum for 2,5 years

  18. kiko003 Avatar

    Wouldn’t it say that it releases after collecting a gallon of milk in the manual?

  19. swagmasterdude Avatar

    Where is the joke?

  20. discourius Avatar

    I bet the fridge where he keeps his beer is just out of reach

  21. The-dude-in-the-bush Avatar

    Average nhentai plotline

  22. IOnlySayMeanThings Avatar

    I don’t know that I’d call this a joke so much.

  23. TheAres1999 Avatar

    Jigsaw: “The human body contains 10 pints of blood on average, but can survive with as little as 5”

  24. bitenuker93 Avatar

    Is it just me or is it implied that he was going to test it on his wife but she wasn’t home??

  25. legalsexoffender Avatar

    “Well you see I… um… I put my penis in it and I can’t turn it off”
    Customer service: “damn it, not another one of these”

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