free joke here ;p

just open your fucking mouth ;p

An American and a Russian die and go to Hell… (Long)

They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell.

Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you’ll find that we have all the finest amenities here in Hell, whatever your heart desires, you can find it here! However, you have to eat a shovel-full of Shit each morning, but then you’re free to do whatever you’d like.

Russian hell is basically the same, but you have to eat TWO shovels full of Shit before your start your day.

The American is quick to choose American hell, but is flabbergasted when the Russian chooses to go to Russian hell.

Several eons later the American bumps into the Russian and says “My Russian friend, Hell wasn’t what I thought at all! Every day I play a round of golf on a championship golf course. I hang out with my friends at an amazing social club until late in the afternoon. The brothel I go to has the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. Every night I have an incredible steak dinner at a Michelin Star restaurant. I honestly don’t mind eating the shovel-full of shit in the morning anymore. One thing has bothered me all this time though, why did you choose to go to Russian Hell? Was it mistake?

The Russian replies: “It was you who make the mistake Comrade. In Russian Hell, half the time there is no Shovel, and the other half the time there is no Shit.”

16 responses to “An American and a Russian die and go to Hell… (Long)”

  1. N3M0N Avatar

    Satan having hard time establishing supply chain, i see.

  2. solaris0001 Avatar

    Nigerian Hell is the best. The Demon clocks in at the morning and then goes home for the rest of the day.

  3. its_a_gibibyte Avatar

    If there’s no shovel, I assume the shit is still there and he just eats it from the ground, which might be even worse.

  4. torwag Avatar

    Ohhh well I would choose the German hell.

    First of all the daemon handling the shit has to fill a dozen of forms to make sure that the shit is

    * delivered from organic shit industry
    * no animals were forced to deliver the shit
    * All shit was harvest from people with at least minimum wage
    * left over shit was properly disposed and not given away randomly
    * taxes were paid accordingly
    * compliance regulations were followed strictly

    After that the demon has to ask European wide for quotes of shit delivery from at least 5 different shit delivery companies and sign up a long delivery contract with one of them, paying upfront.

    Legal battles will follow with companies who were left out and it will take years before the first batch of shit is deliverable.

    Delivering the shit, the demon has to drive 2400km as the shortest route of about 20km comes close to an endangered species of the yellow-hell-cockroach.
    Among the 2400km trip there will be dozen of demonstrations as fellow daemons dislike that the shit is delivered on streets close to their caves. Daemon police uses a passive friendly negotiating technique which takes days to convince daemons that the driver can continue the trip.
    As the shit-delivery vehicle is for sure a political correct EV car, it needs charging stops every 60km. Albeit none of the chargers work properly.

    Eventually arriving, the demon-health department will check the shit and avoids further action as it found that the shit has heat-up by 2 C, which is against the regulation. Furthermore, the shit was not delivered in food-safe containers.

    Shit will get disposed and hughe upcries happen about that waste, which will result in political pressure. The shit delivery company will sign bankruptcy, taken all the upfront paid money.

    The shit delivery daemon will be promoted and a new shit delivery daemon will be employed. This daemon will start again filling forms and papers to get the shit delivered eventually….

  5. larouqine Avatar

    I thought it was gonna be that in American Hell, everything is available but you can’t afford any of it; meanwhile in Russian (or Soviet) Hell, you have plenty of money but there’s nothing to get.

    But I guess that’s just regular life.

  6. Shapio Avatar

    In British hell they have to admit that cookies ia the better name

  7. UltHamBro Avatar

    I kne this joke, but it’s Spanish hell and the shit is in a bucket. “When there’s a bucket there’s no shit, and when there’s shit there’s no bucket”.

  8. puffpuffandpass Avatar

    I don’t get it

  9. EnigmaFrug2308 Avatar

    I don’t get the joke.

  10. Flemeron Avatar

    It’s sort of ironic that the American hell is basically simplified Archo-communism, where you do your portion of work (the shovel) and get everything for free.

  11. Hawkeyeguy11235 Avatar

    Wow! First post ever with 1K updoots. Thanks everybody!

  12. Ayomichan Avatar

    Aside from the joke,I am wondering about the or else part here, what if he won’t eat it?

  13. Ambosex-Potato Avatar

    wait can someone explain it?

  14. Vir2zo Avatar

    I’m confusion

  15. 7050170 Avatar

    Thanks for warning it’s long. I’m just here to thank you

  16. twitchymctwitch2018 Avatar


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