free joke here ;p

just open your fucking mouth ;p

A young Irish girl goes to confession…

…and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin’. But, I know that makin’ love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I’ve come seekin’ absolution.

The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, “Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O’Malley’s market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away.”

The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, “ Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?”

“NO, but it’ll wipe the smile off yer face!”

21 responses to “A young Irish girl goes to confession…”

  1. Waitsfornoone Avatar

    If life gives you lemons, … a simple surgery will give you melons.

  2. Sindoh Avatar

    Why does the joke point out that the girl is Irish?

  3. shadowlarx Avatar

    I’ve heard this one before but it was a young man going to confession and he slept with five different women.

    Here’s another one involving sex and a confessional:

    A Catholic teenager goes to confession and admits to having an affair with a girl. The priest says the boy can’t be forgiven until he reveals the identity of the girl.

    “I promised not to tell!” he says.

    “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the priest asks.

    “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell,” the boy says.

    “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?”

    “No, and I still won’t tell!”

    “Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?”

    “No,” says the boy.

    “Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.”

    Outside the church, the boy’s friends ask what happened.

    “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”

  4. Bloodfart3000 Avatar

    If life gives you AIDS make lemonAIDS!

  5. TheMrDrB Avatar

    This joke did just the opposite

  6. SugarPantsJiff Avatar

    I don’t get it

  7. deikanami Avatar

    An old man steps into the confessional and says “father, I am 83 years old, but I just had sex with a beautiful 26 year old woman, and it was glorious.”

    The priest says “this is a very serious sin. I recommend that you do 30 Hail Marys…”

    The old man interrupts: “Father you don’t understand–I’m Jewish”

    The priest is confused: “So why are you telling me this?”

    The old man: “Telling you? I’m telling everyone!”


    I’ve posted this before as a comment to a different confessional joke. I can’t resist. I’ve been told it’s Philip Roth’s favorite joke, btw. (no doubt he told it better)

  8. SoggyDoughnut69 Avatar

    I just cannot stop imagining jacksepticeye saying that the second i read irish

  9. Guilden_NL Avatar

    “Lass, use the squeezed lemons to douche with, that will help tighten you back up!”

  10. WatchedHotwife Avatar

    I’ll add some vodka and sugar and go straight back to my boyfriend.

  11. Hound6869 Avatar

    It’s been a while since I looked into this belief system, but, from what I vaguely remember reading, you needed to experience remorse & renounce your sins in order to be forgiven for them. However, just thinking here, if there is no possibility of feeling remorse for your “sinful” act, perhaps it wasn’t sinful or “immoral” in the first place?

  12. saskir21 Avatar

    Wouldn‘t „lass“ be more appropiate for a male?

  13. MASTER-FOOO1 Avatar

    i know another dirtier version of this joke where the priest says”go to the market and get tomatoe juice, vinegar and mouth wash” the girl asks is that what i need for absolution?

    priest:”no it’s to remove the smell of my seminarian from your mouth”

    in case you didn’t get it her breath stinks with the smell of the junior priest’s love juice and the priest knows because he had some of it too.

  14. Carnivorous_Mower Avatar

    Not heard this one before. Can’t say that too often these days.

  15. dullbrowny Avatar

    Bless me father, for i have sinned. i made love to myself five times last night and my hands feel wobbly now.

  16. TheAres1999 Avatar

    Then burn life’s house down!

  17. MrGeekman Avatar

    >wibbly wobbly

    Did they also go time-wimey?

    Because if they did, I think you should see a certain doctor.

  18. spikes232v2 Avatar

    i read this in Sgt Ducky’s voice

  19. MrmmphMrmmph Avatar

    Lemons, Lemons, Lemons.

  20. james88499r Avatar

    Would have been funnier from male POV, IMHO.

  21. warlock415 Avatar

    “Lass, you’re not confessin’, you’re bragging!”

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